I remember when my Norwegian friend, T___, remarked that the question “How are you?” was a confusing one. I remember because I had not given the standard greeting much thought prior to that day. Why do you ask it, if you are not going to listen to my answer? She wasn’t specifically calling me out, she was making sense of my culture that asks a personal question in greeting while simultaneously disregarding the response. She recounted that the questioners regularly walked away as she collected her thoughts. Unsettling to say the least, even more so without the cultural context.
I'm fine, how are you? It seems so easy. Yet, when a questioner really wants to hear my answer, I stutter to respond in my surprise and confusion. How am I? ME? Do I even know? How much should I reveal? In these moments I tend to babble and overshare as I try to figure out how I am. My friend's discomfort with this line of questioning comes back to me most noticeably during difficult times in my life, In those times, I, too, am discomfited by it. At these times, telling the truth is not always appropriate. To say, “I am fine. And you?” feels like a lie at worst, insincere at best. However, habits do die hard. This means that I still ask people how they are. And, I still fail to listen to the response. I am working on a new greeting though. It goes something like this, "It is good to see you." Yes, I think that might work.
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I am not sure when it started, but at some point I noticed the insertion of "just" into many of the emails that I receive.
This is just a post. This is just an email. This is just a reminder. This is just a ______. I know that I, too, have been known to use this word, once even so naive as to think it a means to soften a reminder. Like so many things in life, once noticed they start to grow. However, instead of a beautiful pearl that started as a grain of sand in the oyster, this particular sore now causes a physical response from me that does nothing to reflect light into the world. A reflexive grimace of annoyance, a clenching of my stomach, a reaction to a threat. A potentially harmless, even useful word, now a weaponized passive aggressiveness especially when inserted into a work related email. No longer a reminder, now it is just a reminder because you were just going to forget otherwise. Even today, when I remember to proofread my emails, I often find one and need to exercise my delete button. It is just everywhere. |
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