We tell young people to try things out of their comfort zones and yet many adults live in the "do as I say not as I do" on this one. For me, I yo-yo in and out of reaching past my comfort zone and retreating to all the comforts of the known. Staying in my comfort zone is, well, quite comforting. However, sometimes we are nudged and we have to figure out a new balance. For me, it has come in the form of sports. Not playing them, I still don't do that. Talking about them is my new skill set. I have not fully embraced the space outside of my comfort zone, but I have found a happy medium for navigating this fraught terrain. For three of the past four years, I have been tapped to be in charge of recreational golf, aka senior golf, for a group of high school seniors who need an activity to do in the spring and are not playing a varsity sport. This makes me a coach, right? As the years have progressed, I realize that while I know nothing really about golf or any sport all of the way through, I do have some phrases that work for me and may help others. Here are some of my go-to golf tips for my players. Use them liberally - Adjust your grip. Adjust your stance. Keep your head down. Slow down your tempo. Hit one inch behind the ball and let the sand fly. Follow through on your swing. Visualize where you want the ball to go. Where do you want the ball to go? Hmm, look where your feet are pointing. Whatever you did on your last shot, do it again. And when I am feeling like I want to let out my inner @ManoloTeachesGolf...Smack that s@#t! Even before my life became golf adjacent, I noticed that a lot of people think talking about sports is a conversation starter. Who knew? Apparently everyone but me. I don't want to be left out so I have learned a few helpful phrases for those situations. You might think it would make more sense for me to learn the rules of the game, but my way is more fun. These work for basketball, football, soccer, lacrosse, field hockey, and even baseball. If that ref had not made that call in the second half/quarter, we would have won. Such a shame that the player, what's her/his name again?, was injured. We definitely would have won with s/he out there. They just need to work on their defense. They just need to work on their offense. It's a building year. Wow, if they could just make a few more goals/baskets/runs, they would have this game in the bag. If you ever see me at a game, I have some key phrases for those situations as well. They work across a number of sports. I encourage you to try them out. You've got this! Nice hustle! Hustle! Keep your eyes on the ball! Keep the ball moving! How did the ref miss that! (I use this one sparingly because I don't really know the rules well enough.) As a spectator for golf, clap politely. And, if you must say something, Nice shot! should work, or even safer and to be used after the match, I really enjoyed watching you play.
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This week Florida passed the so-called Don't Say Gay bill. Cruelty must be the point on this one. I can't think of any other good reason. This is a decision, folks!
Greg Abbott in Texas continued on his warpath against trans youth with his directive to social services, declaring gender affirming interventions as child abuse. Cruelty can only be the point in Texas. Other anti-trans youth bills are being considered are already have been passed in other states. All decisions. And the book bans, and the CRT misinformation campaigns, decisions that hurt women, and all these decisions. It is in this onslaught of that "how can they do that?" feeling that then settles as a frozen ball in my gut. Comes up as a rant and settles into helpless rage. A friend of mine posted this video which asks where are the teacher content makers reacting to these harmful bills. I am sure there are some who don't care. But I am betting that there are more who are stuck in the frozen of fight, flight, freeze.
It took me until 2020 to put down some words about Trayvon Martin. Any words at all. I thought a lot of words, felt a lot of feelings, and mostly froze. This week is tenth anniversary of his death, and he would have been 27 years old. And now we have even more stand your ground laws. What??? That's how we respond to a boy being killed? Those are decisions! Feeling, rage, freeze again. There were so many others who saw Trayvon's death and they started to organize and fight. They met the moment and this week they grab the opportunity to speak truth again and again.
Thank you to those for whom the instinct is to fight in these instances. Even greater thanks to those who are able to help the frozen ones thaw enough to make a decision to act. 'Don't forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did…backwards and in high heels.’ And you probably do too. I don't wear high heels, but we are now doing everything we used to do but now with masks, limited day care, longer wait times, heightened anxiety, and so on and forth. A single misstep can make the entire tower come tumbling down. This forever reality has been amplified in our lives as we navigate our new normal.
One task that shows up every day, multiple times a day in our lives is the procurement and organization of food. My husband and I, well mostly my husband, have narrowed down most of our meals so that they can be cooked in the Instant Pot and/or rice cooker. Those two items along with the microwave have turned our stove top into the extension of our counter on most days. I share this to say that maybe I am not the best person to be handing out life hacks regarding meals. I used to come home from work, make dinner, be frustrated about making dinner, leave the house to go back to work/meeting or take child to and event, maybe not eat said dinner and start it all over again the next day. What did I learn from all of this? I learned that I don't function well when I cook hungry and rushed. I also learned that I am not a menu planning kind of person - I did try. I learned that I can usually turn leftovers into a new-looking meal. Taking all these factors into account, I started making the next day's dinner after dinner. The following day I would come home from work, warm up dinner, add a vegetable (or not) and voila! Dinner is served! This is my life hack for those trying to dance backwards in high heels or the equivalent. Cooking dinner after dinner meant that 1. I did not cook dinner hungry, 2. I cooked dinner at my own pace, 3. I could have a possibility of some down time when I came home from work, 4. If anyone needed to pack a lunch, well they could take the leftovers before they were really leftovers. Make dinner after dinner and take off those damned high heels already. I suspect I am late to the game on my three facts of today. How did I miss these? They seem like I somehow should have learned them through the osmosis of adulting but that is not the case. Not at all. The Rule of 72 [calculator] “The rule says that to find the number of years required to double your money at a given interest rate, you just divide the interest rate into 72. For example, if you want to know how long it will take to double your money at eight percent interest, divide 8 into 72 and get 9 years.” (MoneyChimp) Or the way my mind works: 7.2% interest = 10 years to double money 10% interest = 7.2 years to double money Neither of these is possible with any savings or checking account that I know of, but, even with a moderate or conservative investment strategy, these results over time are typically attainable. Money makes money strikes again. When I have money, this fact makes me happy. When I don't, it makes me mad. So, yes, I knew that higher the interest, the more money you make (or spend if it is debt interest). But I did not know about the rule of 72. Back to the drawing board to see if I have any money that might be sitting around looking to be doubled. Much better potential returns than most people get when they play the lottery. Getting a good credit score which is necessary for things like a mortgage means you need to buy on credit. [Improving Credit Score] I kind of knew this one but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems. If I open a credit card and don’t use it much, I am building credit. But, if I never open a credit card and have the same spending habits, I am not building credit. (No favorable loan for me!) If I save enough money to buy my car with cash rather than take a loan, I am not building credit, potentially hurting my credit score (assuming I would make the loan payments on time). This does not mean you can’t spend within your limits and avoid debt while still building credit. It does mean that you probably need a credit card that you pay off monthly to make this happen. Did a man invent this system? My brain hurts. Budget the money you have in savings. What? How did I miss this? Game changing for me. Rather than have (hopefully) a chunk of money in savings, decide what you are saving for and mentally put each of those savings dollars in an appropriate envelope. Say I have $5000 in savings. Rather than seeing it as one big number, I now divide it up. Perhaps $2000 is towards my next car, $500 towards insurance, etc. Some amount will need to be an emergency fund. Here's the hard part about the emergency fund - I only should break the glass when there is a true emergency. I hate that part. This way I am less tempted to spend the money only to realize a few months later that I don’t have it for the thing I need. Until recently, I thought this is what I was doing, but I was not and every car repair, medical bill, pretty much every non-monthly bill came as a surprise. You'd think after all this time, I'd stop being surprised. This year I adulted much better on this front. In the past I would have already spent saved money 2-3 times in my head and maybe have already spent it on a perceived need to then wonder where it had gone when the inevitable non-monthly but knowable bill showed up. Surprise!? Before 2020 I used podcasts as a way to listen to a couple of news programs because we never set up a TV in our current house. Sometimes I'd listen to my friend Carla Brown's podcast, Trashmagination. This year has been a year of lots of walks which has lead me to many more podcasts, audiobooks, and all things listening. This has been a year when most of my conversations include a mention of a podcast or audiobook. Here are my top 10 mentions:
1. It started with Unlocking Us with Brené Brown. She started her podcast as we were starting to face the reality of covid-19. We travelled the road of all things Covid and Black Lives Matter together even if Brené Brown does not know it! 2. #1 on my list introduced me to other thinkers and writers including Austin Channing Brown and Ibram X Kendi. I discovered that Stamped from the Beginning was on Spotify. I spent many subsequent walks listening at 1.25x speed. Excellent overview of America's history of racist ideas. There is a YA version of the book, too. 3. In search for coping skills through the background of the reckoning that was 2020, I stumbled upon my mental health saviors in Michelle Henderson and Kate Sherman with their podcast DBT and Me. I enjoy fun facts and got some recommendations from friends leading me to: 4. Every Little Thing which allowed me to hear answers to burning questions such as "Hummingbirds: Magical Fairies or Vicious Little Drones?" and "Is it Weird to be Nice to Alexa?" 5. It is always fun to explore an area of expertise of which I know nothing. Twenty Thousand Hertz takes me into the world of sound and sound engineering. I can happily learn and not be compelled to do anything with my new knowledge except to perhaps share it with an unsuspecting friend or family member. 6. I am not on reddit but am happy to listen to Endless Thread which has lead me on any number of paths. It is nice to have someone else curate the internet a bit for me. And, yes, they have a recent episode featuring #5 on my list. My podcasts are friends with each other. 7. I am currently also exploring You're Wrong About with Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes. It comes highly recommended by a friend and the first episode held my interest. We will see Anyone who has talked to me in the last six months knows that I have become a bit obsessed with budgeting. 9. Of course, there is a YNAB podcast. Most of the episodes are super short and talk about one concept. I'd say that anyone wanting to learn to budget, YNAB's youtube and website materials are where the learning happens. This is not my typical podcast style preference. I like podcasts that are 30 to 60 minutes rather than the ones where the lead music is almost as long as the content. It has been useful in terms of my budgeting learning curve. I love when things come full circle. Which is what happened with #10 on my list. 10. Glennon Doyle was interviewed by Brené Brown last spring about her book Untamed. This summer is my summer of We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle and her sister, Amanda Doyle. Life brings hard things and this podcast talks about navigating some of them. During the first years of married life, I lived in Panama. I made just enough money to get through a month as long as nothing went wrong. This means I did not have enough money. I'd crunch numbers, take public transportation, walk, only order a drink when I went out with friends, but more often than I would like to remember, near the end of the month, I would be scrounging for pennies to be able to pay the 25 cents needed for bus fare. I could not figure out how to spend less or make more. Life was less expensive in Panama than in the US, but I could not get ahead financially.
I moved back to the States and started making enough and still found myself paying last month's bills with this month's pay check. I am not weighed down by credit card debt, and that feels good. However, I could not figure out how to save ahead for things like car insurance, care repairs, and other you know they are going to happen but not typical monthly expenses. I certainly never really felt like I could have fun and enjoy spending money. I have spreadsheets upon spreadsheets but not much to show for my effort other than a few gray hairs. Earlier this year, a friend of mine told me about YNAB or You Need a Budget. I did not buy the app (yet). But I have been watching the videos on the website, listening to the podcast, and checking out their TikTok videos. Several of the missing pieces of my budgeting journey clicked. Their explanations finally made sense - I had glanced at the website at other moments in the past without the aha moment. I changed my spreadsheets to reflect what they call True Expenses (large less-frequent expenses) and looked at the money I had in savings and gave it a job. I listened to their videos about how to budget out of debt (no credit card debt, but I have always had student loans, car loans, and/or medical debt) and tried to be as honest as possible with myself about true expenses. What does this mean for me? My plan this year had been to close my eyes and hope for the best when my child's first college tuition bill came due. I may have been able to make it work with that method as long as I didn't eat. Now I have a budget set up that accounts for my future expenses, and I figured out how to save ahead for the first tuition bill (thank you, stimulus check) while also paying down my car loan. And, yes, I will have enough for the car insurance and car tax payments when they show up later this fall. I don't think I am cured of my budgeting woes, but for the first time in my adulting life time, I think it might be possible for a future me. In the year of covid, that is a pretty hopeful thought indeed. Checked my spam today. It may be a poem in:spam Our reproductive rights hang In the balance. Perfect Blood sugar in 5-seconds? 18 discounts for all seniors. Get Gutter Protector Today and Save 10%. My Member Almost Choked My Wife To Death You havent (sic) redeemed your chip or $750 bonus! Rediscover Honeymoon Sex This Valentine's Day! When a woman knows her man is finding it hard to have an erection, She can react in a number of ways! Husband Offers His Wife to African Tribesmen to Find Elongation Secret. This new treatment could help with dementia Your 2021 Scores are Available Re: 3z1z5yuyob Husband offers his wife Husband offers his wife Husband offers his wife to African Tribesmen Definition of ally - a person or organization that cooperates with or helps another in a particular activity.
This is what I know after this summer: I can't be an ally. This was a tough realization for me. At least, I can't be an ally to Black people. It doesn't make sense. They are not the ones holding up the power of White supremacy. They have to constantly navigate the barriers erected by White supremacy, and, yes, since they swim in the same water as I do, there are members of the Black community who do things that may help White supremacy. But, that's not the point. If there is a problem (and there is), White people are the problem or at the very least have the greatest opportunity to benefit from White supremacy. White people therefore is the group that needs allies. It is time for my community to look at itself, help me look at me, and stop pointing fingers everywhere else. If members of the Black community decide to cooperate with me and help me and my white community in that journey, I welcome their allyship. After I made this connection, I found this quote from Roxane Gay in her article for Marie Claire, “On Making Black Lives Matter.” In it, she notes: Black people do not need allies. We need people to stand up and take on the problems borne of oppression as their own, without remove or distance. We need people to do this even if they cannot fully understand what it’s like to be oppressed for their race or ethnicity, gender, sexuality, ability, class, religion, or other marker of identity. We need people to use common sense to figure out how to participate in social justice. In case you are wondering, yes, I did feel pretty cocky when I saw that Roxane Gay would agree with me on this point, if she had a clue that I existed. Hero worship is a real thing. PS. If you still like the term ally, here is a more useful working definition than I offered at first. Allyship: Allyship is an active, consistent, and arduous practice of unlearning and re-evaluating in which a person holding systemic power seeks to end oppressions in solidarity with a group of people who are systemically disempowered. Via guidetoallyship.com On Children lyrics interpreted by Sweet Honey in the Rock (Kahlil Gibran author of original text) Your children are not your children; They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you But they are not from you And though they are with you They belong not to you. You may give them your love But not your thoughts, They have their own thoughts. They have their own thoughts. You can house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow, Which you cannot visit, Not even in your dreams. You can strive to be like them, But you cannot make them just like you. Strive to be like them But you cannot make them just like you On Children from the group Sweet Honey in the Rock song played from the car’s CD player when my now 18-year-old* was a baby. I have recited these lyrics to myself, read them, and played the song many times since those early days. The lyrics are true every time, becoming truer with each repetition, helping me navigate what it is to be a parent. Some days the revelation fills me with awe. They explain some piece of their mind to me or write a poem or a new chapter in their novel or show compassion to a friend, and I know for certain they have their own thoughts and that I can only strive to be like them. Other days, that awe converts to frustration for the exact same events because their independence proves that they are not mine even when I want them to be. *uses they/them pronouns in English, elle in Spanish How do we find normal in bat shit crazy times and function in the middle of survival? When do we realize we have one thing in common and we still can't find normal in bat shit crazy times? In the middle of survival, we discover we can't swallow We can't swallow We can't swallow through the breadth of our despair If we don't stop Playing the same music and Doing the same dance steps We won't stop Fearing that tomorrow is exactly like today In the middle of survival, we can't swallow our despair If we don't start Playing different music and Practicing our new dance steps We won't start Moving past survival In bat shit crazy times |
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